


Doubts & Uncertainty

by demondetox



Series: The End Is Just The Beginning [2]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M, Mpreg, post!mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-12
Updated: 2016-04-12
Packaged: 2018-06-01 20:31:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6535255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demondetox/pseuds/demondetox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takes place a few weeks after Jared and Nathan are released from the hospital. For Jensen it seems like whatever he thought him and Jared could have again, is going downhill and a work-related call clears up what exactly is the matter with Jared. (Not betaed)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doubts & Uncertainty

**Author's Note:**

> I have received many positive mails and comments for the story "The End Is Just The Beginning" and some people were asking for more. The actual story was finished back in 2013 but I never forgot about these two. So here I am, giving you a little drabble of what's going on in their lives. I'm sure I'll get back to these guys sometime (again), because I need more baby Nathan in my life. ;)

*******

Jared is still fast asleep, his eyes darting back and forth behind their lids. Jensen is watching him like a hawk, scared that Jared might not wake up again and lock himself inside his head just like he did before. Jensen doesn't know how much fear still lingers inside Jared's headspace and he's afraid that he might do or say something that will trigger the father of his son into shutting down again.  
  
It's stupid, he knows as much but the worry is there and nothing he does lessens the tension in his bones. Misha assured him that Jared is healing, that whatever Jared's brain decided won't happen again. Try telling Jensen's nerves that.  
  
But Jensen can't pry his eyes away, can't not stare at every motion from Jared. Yet he knows he can't sit there all day. 

Baby Nathan and Jared have been released from the hospital a little over a week ago; three weeks after Jared had woken up. Jensen is walking on eggshells around Jared; the constant fear of losing the younger man is driving him crazy.  
  
While Jared recovered as best he could in the hospital, Jensen and Misha had taken care of the apartment. Jensen insisted that the living room carpet would be replaced; the huge pool of blood made Jensen sick to his stomach; his throat filling with bile when he looked at it and was constantly reminded how much Jared must have suffered and what a close call it had been to not only lose Jared but never being able to meet their son. Then again, without the trauma of Jared almost losing their son Jensen probably would have never known about Nathan in the first place.  
  
Jensen doesn't hold it against Jared anymore, he had tried and it only made him feel worse so he dropped the blame-search in order to be thankful for what he now has. Even though he isn't sure _what_ exactly he has.  
  
In the hospital Jared had said he wanted Jensen to take him and Nathan back home to California, but it seems like Jared is comfortable with being in his New York apartment. Therefore Jensen didn't push it and still doesn't. If Jared decides to stay then Jensen won't argue. All he wants is to be with Jared and their son.  
  
But ever since their kiss in the hospital; since Jensen told Jared about being with other men nothing happened. Nothing physical at least. When Jensen asked if Jared would rather see Jensen spending his nights at a hotel the younger man spaced out and only after asking over and over again did Jared offer Jensen to stay.  
  
In the small guest room. 

Jensen cried himself to sleep the first night in the apartment. And the night after that and every night that followed.  
  
Jensen knows he fucked up big time. Not that they both did, but Jensen wishes he could turn back the time and act differently. He'll just have to deal and give Jared the time and space he needs.  
  
He misses him so much though. Like a limb; like a piece of his heart has been ripped out. Jensen misses Jared's laugh and bright eyes. The only time Jensen gets to see a glimpse of his old Jared is when the man interacts with their son. Those are the only moments Jared smiles anymore.  
  
Nathan is doing so much better since he was first brought to Jared after his father woke up. Every day he does better than the one before and their pediatrician has given Nathan the all clear; he will be as healthy as any other baby no matter his rough start into life.  
  
Jared slowly stirs awake under Jensen's gaze; the younger man stretching his body as far as the couch allows. He blinks confused at Jensen and he can only smile at the still half-asleep man.  
  
"Hey there. Sleep well?" Jensen dreads with care, unsure of what mood Jared might be in.  
  
"Yeah. Where's Nathan?" Jared's jaw tightens, tension growing under his skin.  
  
"In bed. I fed him half an hour ago and he fell asleep on me before he finished his bottle." It's not often that Jensen is given the privilege to spend time with Nathan, much less alone. Jared is pretty much hogging the baby and it hurts.  
  
"'kay." Is all Jared has to say before he scrambles off the couch and ignores Jensen so he can rush to the nursery.  
  
It will be yet another afternoon for Jensen to waste away in his sorrow while the love of his life doesn't acknowledge his presence. It's eating at him; draining his energy and whatever he does feels by far not enough for Jared.  
  
Back at the hospital it seemed like they would have a chance; that Jared and he could be together again but now... it almost is as if the younger man wants them to drift apart and Jensen can only watch.  
  
Jensen is preparing dinner, even though Jared will most likely not eat again, when his cell rings. He has obligations and ditching yet another call from the director of his movie will only end in trouble and millions of dollars in compensations.  
  
"Scott, hey." Jensen tries for nonchalant but his nerves are on edge; afraid Scott will breathe all kinds of crap down his throat.  
  
"Jensen. Wow, didn't think I'd get you on the phone."  
  
"Yeah, I know. Sorry about all that. Life's being... difficult."  
  
"Shit, man. Your son okay?" There is so much concern in the director’s voice that Jensen is hit with immediate guilt.  
  
"No, I mean, yes. Yeah, he's doing better. Growing like a weed and being perfect."  
  
"That's so good to hear. Listen, Jensen, I know I said I'd give you as much time as you need but we really need you to get back to shooting. So far we've covered all footage that doesn't necessarily ask for you to be on set and we're out of scenes for your screen double. So..."  
  
"Shit. Yeah, Scott I'm so sorry and I'm grateful for your patience. Gonna have to talk with Jared and arrange some logistics. When exactly do you need me back?"  
  
"One week. Unfortunately this is all the time I can give you anymore."  
  
Well, fuck. Jared barely talks to him, how is he supposed to get this conversation rolling without losing everything. "Alright. I'll be there in time. Thank you, again."  
  
"Don't mention it."  
  
Jensen pushes the phone back in his jeans pocket and rubs his temples. He's exhausted and so fucking tired. He doesn't want to leave; not without Jared and Nathan but he doubts that Jared is willing to go back to LA after all. No matter that it was Jared asking him to take them back home. That was then and now everything is so wrong. And he has no clue as to why.  
  
"When are you leaving?" Jared's choked voice interrupts his thoughts and startles him.  
  
"Jay. I... That was Scott Hicks, the director."  
  
"When are you leaving?" Jared repeats, his jaw set tight and lips a stressed thin line.  
  
"I have a week to show up."  
  
"Good." The dismissive tone in Jared's voice doesn't go unnoticed.  
  
"Good? How is this good? Jared, how is any of this good?"  
  
"It's your job and I'm sure you've wasted enough time here."  
  
"Wasted my time? Jared, what the hell is wrong with you, why is it that you want me gone so badly all of a sudden? Do you think I don't notice how you keep pushing me away?"  
  
"Have a safe trip, Jensen." Jared gives him a court nod and turns on his heels. Jensen has had about enough and stalks after him.  
  
"Now you wait just a second." He grabs for Jared's shoulder and turns the taller man around; getting in his personal space.  
  
"Let it go, Jensen. Just pack your shit and leave." It's spoken with so much hurt Jensen wants to drop dead.  
  
"No. Not before you tell me why."  
  
"It's better this way."  
  
"Better? What the... Jay, leaving you and Nathan isn't better. I want you to come with me but with how you act lately I'm surprised you didn't set me on fire in my sleep yet."  
  
"Jensen, please..."  
  
"No! Tell me what changed. Why do you hate me so much?"  
  
"I-I d-don't."  
  
"Damn well looks like it."  
  
Jared shakes his head violently; tears starting to roll down his cheeks. Jensen steps closer then, pulling Jared against his chest and the contact leaves Jensen breathless. It's been so long since he was allowed to simply hold Jared; to feel the young man's heartbeat against his own and the warm puffs of air on his neck.  
  
"Jay, I... God, I don't know what's going on but I want to be here, with you and our son. I love you so much. Please don't send me away, not like this."  
  
Broken sobs fill the air and Jensen doesn't even care the loudest come from himself.  
  
"They... they say I ruined your career. That you won't be able to get jobs again; because of me and Nathan."  
  
"Who is _they_?"  
  
"The media. Your fans. Everyone."  
  
Jensen feels the urge to punch someone. He has managed to avoid the whole shit storm of headlines and paparazzi; never leaving the house for too long and always with hat and shades. His manager had advised him to stay away from any news reports and he had done just that. But apparently Jared hasn't. "And you listen to them?"  
  
"They're right."  
  
"The fuck they are. My fans, the ones who appreciate my work don't give a crap about my personal life, except that they want me to be happy and the press? They make more money off of bullshit and scandals than telling the truth for once. You should have asked me and not listen to these bastards."  
  
Jared only sobs louder and his whole body is shaking in Jensen's hold.  
  
"Ask me, Jay. Ask me how many job offers have been cancelled."  
  
"How m-many?"  
  
"One. One known homophobe of a producer wanted his script back. But you know how many new scripts rolled in?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Well, my agent is having work for years to come and that's only for sorting out crap and find actual good scripts in between the mounts of offers that were sent in since that late night show. It's mostly independent jobs but still good work. You of all people should remember how scared I was of coming out but in the end I knew that nothing was more important than you and our baby boy. It was you who told me that a job shouldn't matter and look at us now. This is like a whole different and reversed universe."  
  
"But..."  
  
"There is no but. Jay, baby, if you want me gone I'll go and only come for Nathan." It's a lie that Jensen needs to tell, because he won't ever _not_ come back for Jared. "But I thought we won't let others dictate our life anymore. If you want me, us, then please don't push me away."  
  
"And yet you'll leave us anyway."  
  
"For the job, and only that. I'd rather have you and our son with me and maybe you can give yourself a start and join me. I really don't wanna go without you. Tell me to quit it all and I'll stay or better yet come with me. Let's get this huge ass backyard for Nathan."

Jensen doesn't give a shit about the compensations anymore. Really, maybe his lawyers can safe his ass from losing millions. But in the end it doesn't matter. All that's important are Jared and Nathan; their well-being is what keeps Jensen going. Jensen will find a way to make Jared believe him.

 

*******


End file.
